steroids

Mood Swings

As the steroids continue to have their way with me and settle in for some serious trouble, this last few days I’ve been susceptible to mood swings.  Oh joy.  I think I mentioned in a previous post that my anger and frustration would rise to the surface and then pop like a bubble and gone.

Well this is worse.

A little bit of harmless rage and annoyance with the world for a few seconds is something I’ve always felt exactly that.  Harmless.  An instant stress release.  I enjoy a good swear for the same reason.  Annoyed, swear, all gone.  Calm again.  Everyone that knows me knows I’ve always been like this, well it feels like it to me anyway, although I do try to behave when in new or “respectable” company.  But amongst family and friends, a quick “FFS” spares us all, and I often encourage people to have a bit of a swear to clear the air, especially my teenage children.  They hear it all at secondary school, so why pretend swearing doesn’t happen and that we never swear?

These mood swings though.  They go like this.

I’m fine.  All is good.  Happy.  Then suddenly out of nowhere – NOWHERE – I feel sorry for myself and my current condition and there are tears in my eyes.

What the actual FUCK?  Where did that come from?  It’s happening now as I write this.

And now I feel fine again.  No kidding.  A matter of less than 30 seconds.

I seriously hope this is just a passing phase because I won’t live with this and something will have to change.  And there’s the anger going on in that thought right there…

Usually when I know something like this is happening I’ve always been able to push it to one side as unemotionally I know what it is.  Like the steroid downer I experienced in April when I completed the course I was prescribed then before we knew it was Pemphigus.  I recognised it for what it was and after a few days it passed and I was all good again.

If you haven’t read other parts of this blog, I had really bad work related depression about 15 years ago.  I got past it by leaving the job I was doing and kept myself busy doing other things until I would say only fairly recently (the last couple of years?) that I was back to pre-depression Frank again.  Still some permanent changes to my psyche, but really very good all told.

And now this thing twisting and kneading my emotions, and all seeming out of my control.  I know my wife will help me when the family get back from Australia on Friday, and just having her by my side again will work wonders I’m sure.  I’ve told her to warn the kids just in case I start blubbering at the airport when I pick them up.

Hugging and smiling is one thing.  Crying my eyes out because I’m happy is quite another.  I’m a man.  I don’t do that shit.  (Often.)

Posted by Frank Haywood in Personal
Steroids Reduced To 55mg

Steroids Reduced To 55mg

On Wednesday and Thursday I felt a little “not me” a couple of hours after taking my steroids although I couldn’t quite put my finger on why I felt like that.  I just felt a little strange both in mind and body, and I put it down to the steroids, correctly as it turned out.  So I rang up the hospital on Thursday and asked if someone would call me back as I wanted to reduce my dose.  I’d decided I was going to do it anyway on Friday as I often listen to what my body is telling me, and this felt like the first rumblings of trouble.

Friday morning, I took 55mg instead of 60mg and waited.  Two hours passed and then three, and I felt fine, felt normal.  I think my dosage – that I had asked for to deal with my skin FAST – was a little too high, and I’d got almost a couple of weeks in before my body started complaining.  I have to say though that the change in my skin has been amazing and it was the right thing to do.

At this point, the right thing to do was reduce the dose.  I was supposed to keep taking 60mg for four weeks and then reduce down to 55mg before my next appointment on the 13th September.  Instead I’ve done two weeks.

My doctors registrar called me back on Friday and I thanked him as Dr H is on vacation this week.  I explained I’d reduced my dose and he agreed that it was okay, but that I shouldn’t reduce any more until my next visit and they’d had a chance to take a look at me – I’m taking weekly blood tests, so they’re monitoring it all anyway.  I agreed to this, but if I feel a little strange again I will of course phone up as I want to take responsibility for this kind of thing.

The way I feel about this is that while they’re the health care professionals and have the experience and training, it’s my body and I can tell when things aren’t quite right.

As I said, since I reduced my dose I feel fine again, so to me it was the right thing to do regardless.

My concern is that some people would have kept taking the same amounts and who knows, may have caused themselves some permanent damage?  In my case, problem avoided.

Posted by Frank Haywood in Pemphigus, Personal
My Face Is Clearing Up

My Face Is Clearing Up

As I mentioned the other day, the high dosage of steroids are working really well, and my face is clearing up dramatically.  It’s not red any more, it’s now pink, and there’s hardly any flaking.  Most of the skin doesn’t feel sore any more, and really feels quite normal with just a couple of little patches that are behind the rest.  I can see it will be completely normal very soon at this rate, a couple of weeks maybe three.

My chest and shoulders are getting better too, but still have a long way to go – I reckon about another 4-6 weeks to clear up, possibly longer.  With any luck the MMF I’m taking should also really start to be getting a grip by that time and who knows, it might accelerate suddenly?

It’s like what happened to me is now happening in reverse, but at a 10x faster pace.  So the growth and repair functions of my body are operating well to fix the damage my immune system has caused to my skin, and the best news is it seems to be accelerating very rapidly now my immune system is being suppressed.

All good news I guess, and the faster it all happens, the less time I have to take these high doses of steroids.

So the bigger doses of steroids I asked for are fixing it quickly, even though the dosage really makes me scared.  I’m not kidding.  It’s worrying me a lot.

I have to get my skin all better and then off the steroids ASAP.

MMF scares me a bit too in two aspects, the possibility of skin or lymph cancer, and increased risk of infection.  As I’ve always been one of those people who hears a sneeze on the TV and starts sniffling (not hypochondria – I’ve always caught minor bugs easily), I think I’ve got good cause to worry on that front.

But nowhere near like I’m worried about the steroids.  Those babies are like a big bogey man for me, and I really don’t want to end up in a wheelchair.  So at some point I’m going to ask for a bone scan. Maybe the next appointment in September.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/DEXA-scan/Pages/Introduction.aspx

The steroids continue to affect my sleep and I feel mighty fine while taking them.  I only need 3-5 hours a day now and I’m good and alert the whole time.  It’s a very restful and deep sleep I’ve been having and feels like I’ve slept for far longer than I have.  Example: I fall asleep and then wake up to go to the toilet thinking I’ve had at least 3 hours sleep and when I check the clock I’m amazed to see only 30 minutes or less have passed by.  I’m good with that!

The other side-effect I’ve noticed is my anger bursts out and is then gone like a soap bubble.  I paid some money into the bank yesterday and said out loud and then heard it go quiet around me – “You have GOT to be fucking kidding me!” – when the machine spit ALL the money out because it had a problem with one £20 note.  Oops.

Apart from that, nothing notable or… visible.  I don’t know what’s going on inside though, and that’s the worrying thing.  And as I’ve said it on here.  I AM worried.

Posted by Frank Haywood in Pemphigus, Personal
Had A Letter From the Hospital

Had A Letter From the Hospital

Today I received another letter from the Hospital sent to my GP and cc’d to me detailing what I’d discussed with Dr H last week about my condition and planned treatment.

(Also had a bit of a headache earlier this morning. Not one that hurt, just a little bit of tension running through my head. It if continues today I’ll call the hospital and reduce my steroids tomorrow to 55mg, and down to 50 in 2-3 days, just in case.  At the moment my skin is improving quite quickly so maybe I can reduce them now anyway.  I’ll play it by ear and change nothing for now, but it’s on my mind.)

It cleared a couple of things up for me that I must have missed at the time as a lot of thoughts were swirling round my head and there was a lot to take in.  And there was a request to the GP for me to have my flu and pneumonia jabs and also to arrange to take over bone protection medication and also gastro protection to combat the side effects of the steroids (Prednisolone).

The gastro protection I’m currently taking and seems to be fine is Lansoprazole, and I always also make sure I have something to eat when I actually take the steroids.  So my morning routine is take the Lansoprazole, go for a 30-40 minute walk, then when I get back, prepare something like a couple of slices of beans on toast (which I love – thanks mom and dad for getting me onto that as a child) on wholemeal bread, or some porridge which for some reason I’ve never really eaten, but found I like as it comes (unsweetened).  That way I figure I’m getting a double helping of gastro protection from the steroids.  So far, so good.

The bone protection I’ve already started myself 3 weeks ago in the form of some 2x day vitamin D and calcium tablets over the counter from my local pharmacy.  I ain’t dumb.   But Dr H has suggested Adcal D3 or similar which again could be over the counter or a stronger prescription only product.  We’ll see.  I had a quick look online and it seems to be the same as I’m doing now, and I would prefer to be getting this via subscription as I then get it all for one low price with an NHS PPC card for long term prescription medicine users.  It’s a bargain and if you’re in a siimilar position to me, well worth having.

I also had it confirmed that I would be on oral steroids for at least 6 months.  I wasn’t totally sure about that, but the changes that have occurred through being on the higher dose of 60mg in just 6 days have been remarkable.  A noted improvement in my skin and scalp both in terms of redness, soreness, flakiness and just overall feeling and looking better.

Although I’m never going to be happy being on long term steroids, I have an increased hope that I won’t be on them for as long as is currently thought.  Of course this all depends on what happens when they’re tapered down (and hopefully off) and whether I get a flare up.  I accept I may have to find the right balance as other people have done before me, and that I may end up on 5, 10, 15mg or more to keep my condition stable.  But I don’t want ANY and I hope I can drop them by use of steroid sparing agents such as the immunosuppressant MMF or even if I’m very lucky, a mix of Doxycycline (antibiotic) and nicotinamide (vitamin B3).  That would be ideal for me given my condition, and relatively harmless.

My eldest son (20) had his gall bladder and spleen removed in his teens after inheriting Hereditary Spherocytosis from my wife and was plagued with inermittent abdominal pains from about 11 onwards and spent 18 months home schooled when he was 14-15.  He’s all fine now, but without a spleen it means he’ll have to take a small dose (250mg) of Phenoxymethyl-penicillin each day for the rest of his life.  It’s not really necessary to do that and he knows it, so often will “overlook” it for a while until we jolly him up to start taking it again.  Now he knows I’m on immunosuppressants, he’s agreed to start taking his penicillin to help protect me from catching anything he might have otherwise picked up.  A good lad.

While reading through the letter I realised I hadn’t been doing something that I now remember Dr H had told me to do, and that’s to rub the steroid cream (was an ointment, didn’t suit me) into my scalp as well was my face and body.  Okay.  But now the oral steroids seem to be making such a big difference, maybe I won’t bother.

Here’s the important parts of the letter summarised and edited by me.


Diagnosis:
Pemphigus Foliaceous

Treatment:
1. Prednisolone increased to 60mg daily for four weeks, then 55mg daily until review in clinic.
2. Mycophenolate mofetil initiated 500mg daily for one week 500mg twice daily for a week, 500mg three times a day for a week, then 500mg four times a day until clinic review (this can be taken in two divided doses).
3. Lansoprazole 15mg daily for gastric protection.
4. Betnovate C cream once daily to the face and twice daily to scalp and torso.
5. Cetraben cream as soap substitute and emollient.
6. T-gel or other coal tar shampoo.

Request to GP:
Please arrange for flu and pneumococcal vaccine when they are available.
Please add in Adcal 03 or other appropriate bone protection.
Please take over prescription for Lansoprazole gastro protection.

Follow Up:
6 weeks with weekly blood tests. The patient has been counselled regarding side-effects of MMF and the need to avoid contact with severe infections.  He should employ careful sun protection whilst on immunosuppression to reduce the risk of skin cancer.  He is aware to report any concerns regarding side-effects, in particular if he gets any indigestion we may need to increase his Lansoprazole.


Yep, that all seems pretty good to me.  Remember that some of this was advised, and some bent to my will at my request, and throughout it all the doctors at the hospital have been brilliant and shown me nothing but concern and care for my well being.

So what has been an initial misfortune for me has turned into damn good luck at getting such a brilliant team of people on my case.  Thank you!

Posted by Frank Haywood in Diet, Pemphigus, Personal
Raining Today, But Not In My Heart

Raining Today, But Not In My Heart

There’s one thing about the 60mg steroids I’m taking every day.  One of the positive side-effects in common with many other people is that they actually make me feel pretty good.  Some people get depressed on them, but for me it’s the opposite.  My mind also seems clearer than usual too which some people have described as like having a “brain fog” lifting.  Because steroids reduce inflammation, maybe I’m getting more blood supply to my brain?  Or maybe it’s the exercise too that’s helping?  Whatever, I DO feel good, but having been on 30mg steroids in April, I know there’s a crash when I stop taking them.  That’s okay.  Long experience as a depressive tells me that If you know what it is, you can deal with it.

Honestly I read some of this back and I sound like the most awful mopey person and nothing could be farther from the truth.  I’m usually very upbeat and laid back about most things, even the bad stuff like this.

So anyway, up all night, watched it get lighter and lighter and decided to go for my early morning walk.  Got dressed and walked into the kitchen and I could hear the rain hammering on the utility roof which is tough polycarbonate plastic.  Damn.  If it was a drizzle, no problem but this was really going for it.

Change of plan then.  I knew I needed to get a few bits and pieces in and I was going to do it late to mid-morning as I intended to get my blood tests done early again today.  Half a pint job.  Oh okay, just a few phials.  I know I’ll nip down to Asda, it’s 24 hours and it’s 6.00am should be quiet.  I took my first tablet of the day and went to Asda.  There was just me and the staff there.    I took my time, bought some healthy fruit (bananas, apples, melon), a cucumber, tomatoes, baked beans, wholemeal bread (which I freeze), frozen cod fillets, healthy chips and ice cream.

Then, being a bloke I took a look at the phones and electronics, and grabbed some printer paper and folders, and then…  Bargain!  Dimmable LED light bulbs reduced from £4 each to only £1, so I bought eight, leaving about 4 on the shelf.  Result!

Went home, had some porridge and the rest of my tablets and then made the mistake of relaxing for a bit.  I suddenly realised it was quarter to nine and I wasn’t on my way to the hospital for my tests.  Another “damn!” escaped my lips and I got there at 9:10 with about 30 people in front of me. Oh well, I knew it didn’t take long and sure enough about 20 minutes or so later I was sitting in a chair being drained by a very nice and friendly nurse.  Next week I’ll make sure I get there at 8:50 while it’s still quiet.

So no walk today, other than a stroll around Asda a few times and back and forward across the hospital car park, but yeah today was good.  Those steroids as scary as they are still have me on a high.

Posted by Frank Haywood in Pemphigus, Personal
New Drugs Regime

New Drugs Regime

Today I took my first step onto the new drugs regime, moving from 30mg of steroids (Prednisolone) up to 60mg.  I’ve been taking the 30mg for 2 weeks and all that dose seems to do is keep me in a holding pattern, so I’m hoping this double the dose will actually start to do things to help.  In a month it gets reduced to 55mg and then reviewed in clinic.

I also started taking the Mycophenolate Mofetil (MMF) of 500mg once per day initially.  This is an immunosuppressant that is normally given to transplant patients so that their bodies don’t reject the transplanted organ.  It works by suppressing the immune system, and at the moment that’s what needs to happen to me to get my skin back to normal again instead of the angry red sheet of patchy flaky open wound horribleness that it is.

Next Friday I up the dose of MMF to twice daily, then the week after to 2 in the morning and 1 in the evening, and then finally and thereafter – 2 morning and 2 evening at a total daily dose of 2000mg.

It then takes around another 3 months after that (4 months altogether from today) to reach full efficiency.  While that’s all going on I’ll still be taking (hopefully) reduced doses of steroids and hoping that the MMF takes over and can stop my immune system from attacking my skin.  Everybody is different and it’s a case of “suck it and see” to find out what works for them, and that’s where I am for the next few months.

Once my immune system is being well and truly suppressed then apart from my skin clearing up, then of course I’ll also be very susceptible to infection.  I have to avoid the bad stuff like hepatitis, TB, and all the nasties that small children get such as chicken pox and so on.  Normally my system is immune to those things now, but not if it’s turned off.

I’ve talked to my wife about handling this if her or the kids bring stuff home (all at 4 different places, school, college, work) and how I can live here at home without being put at risk.  “Man cave!” she said.  That means maybe us doing some work in the garage and turning it into a room for me where I can be away from any possible risk.  I’m good with that apart from the cost.  I guess I could do it myself although me and DIY don’t mix.  And I guess I need to do it sooner rather than later while I can at least be okay (happy) with going to DIY stores and mixing with the great unwashed public.  It’s all normal commonplace stuff like going out and handling money that I have to be concerned about now.

And at this moment in time, I’m not sure what will happen if I do catch something silly like a cold.  Would it be enough to finish me off?  Will I end up hospitalised in ICU?  It’s possible I guess.  Another question to be asked at my next appointment.

At any rate, I also have to have my annual flu jab, which I’ve been doing routinely for a few years now as I always seemed to get flu every single year and I don’t know why I didn’t start doing it earlier.  It’s dead virus so it’s safe for me to have.  Anyone can go get a flu jab from their local pharmacy now, and it’s cheap – under a tenner in the UK – so you just should and save yourself from some misery later.  It works!

Also I found out that there’s a pneumonia jab, which I didn’t even know existed.  When you’re weakened by something else, good old pneumonia will step in and quickly finish you off.  So yeah, dead virus again and I’ll take some of that if it’s available to me.  Maybe it’s not available to the general public and only given to cases like mine?  I’ll find out.

And of course both of these jabs then raise another question I’ll need answering.  If your immune system produces antibodies to the dead virus to protect you… and your immune system is off or greatly reduced… then does it actually produce the antibodies?  Have I missed something here?  Maybe my suppressed system will just be that.  Suppressed and not actually off altogether.  I need to ask.

Posted by Frank Haywood in Pemphigus, Personal
Upping The Ante

Upping The Ante

So I decided I coudn’t quite start taking the extra steroids today. 30mg up to 60mg per day. My idea, I asked for it, I just want to think a little longer before I do.

Logically I know it’s the right thing to do, but emotionally it’s a big step.  A few years ago a friend of mine was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel and all he could do to alleviate his problem was take steroids for a short time but then after stopping, his problem would soon come back again – the doctor wouldn’t let him take them for mny longer because of the dangers.  He told me at the time it was scary because of the possible side-effects and he couldn’t take them for long, but his predicament has always stuck with me.

Me being told by my doctor that I might have to permanently take them without break isn’t great news is it?

It boils down to take these and suffer the possible consequences or definitely die of an infection later.

So I’m going to take them, I have made that decision, I just need another day.

But I don’t intend on taking them indefinitely, whatever the outcome.  I will wean myself off them and onto a steroid sparing agent such as Mycophenolate Mofetil (MMF) or better still if my body will take it, onto antiobiotics and vitamin B3.

FML.

But there are people who are far worse off than me, and you know what?  I was bound to suffer something like this as I got older, I just wasn’t quite ready for something as I now find it, as serious as this.  There are worse things I’d rather not have though, so you know…  Result.

Posted by Frank Haywood in Pemphigus, Personal
Decision Time

Decision Time

Today was my appointment with my dermatology consultant Dr H at 12:30.  This appointment was all about the way ahead and I’d been doing some thinking so I sort of knew where it was going before we started.  First she examined me and there was no real change.  The 30mg Prednosolone steroids were doing the same thing as they did when I had this dose in April, issued by my GP before I was diagnosed with Pemphigus Foliaceous (PF) – they were just keeping me in a holding pattern with maybe a little improvement but not much, and I knew something had to change dramatically if I was going to stand a chance of getting back to “normal.”

She went through the letter I’d written and confirmed everything I’d put down as my understanding of my condition and the way ahead.  She said she’d never had a patient do that before and she was impressed (I thanked her) and I think I piqued her curiosity as I know I look quite unassuming and unremarkable.

But it’s what goes on inside your head isn’t it?  And what you’re actually capable of that people don’t know when they first meet you, and long experience has told me that people nearly always underestimate me based on my appearance.  I’m short at 5′ 4″ (possibly less now I’m older – we all shrink a bit) and you will typically find me in shorts and a t-shirt at home all the year round, and when I’m out and about I’m never more comfortable than in a pair of jeans and a criss-cross tablecloth patterned shirt of some kind with some comfy thick socks and soft suede shoes or boots.  And I’m about 20kg overweight with a BMI (Body Mass Index) of fat bastard.  I’m working on that.

If you need to read more about me and what I’m capable of, you can do so here.

Back to the appointment.  I was keen to get off the steroids ASAP and I let her know this.  It’s having these discussions is when you start learning the real important stuff, and go away with a whole pile of questions spinning around in your head to go and research.  You might have realised by my description of part of my working life on the link above, I’m GOOD at research, it’s one of the things I do really well.

Something we’d discussed in the previous appointment two weeks earlier was the use of “steroid sparing agents” such as Mycophenolate Mofetil which is an immunosuppressant drug given to transplant patients to stop their own immune system from rejecting the donor organ.  Another scary drug as long term use can cause cancer, but not as scary as steroids in my opinion.  I was told there are others less severe such as antibiotics and vitamin B3 but it depends on how well I respond to them.  (I’m thinking about that and have some things I want to try, more at a later date.)

Because this is the crux of it all.  My own autoimmune system is broken or imbalanced and is attacking my own skin.  This is supposed to be chronic and incurable, but I have yet to be convinced of that and I’m not the kind of person to give up just like that.

First line of treatment in cases like mine are steroids.  They’re the most effective in the shortest amount of time.  So even though they scare the crap out of me at what they’re doing to future Frank’s body (and future Frank NEEDS that body in good working order), I know that right now it’s what I need, so I at first suggested I start on the MMF (Mycophenolate Mofetil) and drop the steroids.

Can’t do that.  It turns out that MMF can take 4 months to reach full effectiveness.  I have to take the steroids while they kick in and then hope I can stop the steroids.  Crap.

Me being me, logical and always thinking one step ahead (like a carpenter), I decided there and then that what I needed was to double my dose of steroids.  I’d already researched and found that up to 100mg / day was sometimes prescribed, but even to me that seemed a little high so I suggested 60mg.  That scared Dr H and she said she’d be willing to go as high as 40mg but she’d need another Doctor to hold her hand on any higher and so she went off to fetch Dr Hegarty (?) – I hope I’ve got his name right, there was a lot swirling round my mind at this point. I’ll correct this later when I can confirm.

He took a look at my notes and recent blood test results, then looked at me and appraised me.  He said words along the lines of “I think you’re right Mr Haywood.  I’ve seen PF before and found the best way to treat it to normalise the patient is to hit it hard with steroids to begin with and then gradually dial it all back until we find the right balance.  Let’s go for 60mg of Prednisolone while we build up the MMF into your system.  You’re overweight but otherwise in good condition with no previous medical issues at all and apart from the PF you’re normal.  It looks good to do it and we’ll monitor your bloods weekly to keep an eye on you.”

Dr H was already sorting out the blood test forms and writing the dosages out for me and writing the prescriptions.  They’re THAT good and I’m so glad they have my back.

Then I went through the urine sample, weight and blood pressure.  Weight was down from last time as I already knew, and so was my blood pressure, something like 128/82 which is perfectly normal.  Thanks to exercise and porridge mainly (I’ve got it down like that before), and beans on wholemeal toast.  In other words, just doing the right things.

So I think I’m okay with this.  As far as I’m concerned the high doses of steroids are temporary.  A few weeks, 3-4 months while the MMF takes over.  That’s my hope and plan.  In the meantime, I’m eating better food (on the whole) and consuming less calories, exercising, and losing weight when both doctors told me I wouldn’t be able to as the steroids would prevent me, keeping me hungry and making me want to eat.

But I have willpower.  I want to get well.  I want to be rid of this incurable disease.  I will attempt to do it through medical science with drugs and massive changes to my lifestyle.

I firmly believe that fat is one of the contributing factors because… guess what?  Fat is one of the things that intereferes with the normal function of the autoimmune system and can cause it to break as in my case.  Studies in 2016 found a biochemical link that I need to do more research on to understand properly, but at first reading it looks like researchers have discovered there’s a mechanism that turns OFF the immune system at the correct and appropriate time (biochemistry) and an imbalance can be caused in some circumstances that prevent this normal inhibiting factor.  It’s believed there’s a relationship that means that this is true not just of PF, but could also be true of ALL autoimmune problems from arthritis to Multiple Sclerosis.

There’s hope for a lot of people if their conclusions are correct.

I could be barking up the wrong tree, but right now I believe (I HAVE to believe) that I can put my body into a state where my immune system can regain its balance and correct itself.  So I’m working at that with a double pronged attack.  Drugs to begin with.  While they’re having their way with my system, I will lose weight and become fit.  And while that’s happening I’ll be researching a possible therapy which I will then have to sell to my Doctors and possibly the local NHS Trust if I think it sounds viable.

I will post it all here.

Posted by Frank Haywood in Pemphigus, Personal