As the steroids continue to have their way with me and settle in for some serious trouble, this last few days I’ve been susceptible to mood swings. Oh joy. I think I mentioned in a previous post that my anger and frustration would rise to the surface and then pop like a bubble and gone.
Well this is worse.
A little bit of harmless rage and annoyance with the world for a few seconds is something I’ve always felt exactly that. Harmless. An instant stress release. I enjoy a good swear for the same reason. Annoyed, swear, all gone. Calm again. Everyone that knows me knows I’ve always been like this, well it feels like it to me anyway, although I do try to behave when in new or “respectable” company. But amongst family and friends, a quick “FFS” spares us all, and I often encourage people to have a bit of a swear to clear the air, especially my teenage children. They hear it all at secondary school, so why pretend swearing doesn’t happen and that we never swear?
These mood swings though. They go like this.
I’m fine. All is good. Happy. Then suddenly out of nowhere – NOWHERE – I feel sorry for myself and my current condition and there are tears in my eyes.
What the actual FUCK? Where did that come from? It’s happening now as I write this.
And now I feel fine again. No kidding. A matter of less than 30 seconds.
I seriously hope this is just a passing phase because I won’t live with this and something will have to change. And there’s the anger going on in that thought right there…
Usually when I know something like this is happening I’ve always been able to push it to one side as unemotionally I know what it is. Like the steroid downer I experienced in April when I completed the course I was prescribed then before we knew it was Pemphigus. I recognised it for what it was and after a few days it passed and I was all good again.
If you haven’t read other parts of this blog, I had really bad work related depression about 15 years ago. I got past it by leaving the job I was doing and kept myself busy doing other things until I would say only fairly recently (the last couple of years?) that I was back to pre-depression Frank again. Still some permanent changes to my psyche, but really very good all told.
And now this thing twisting and kneading my emotions, and all seeming out of my control. I know my wife will help me when the family get back from Australia on Friday, and just having her by my side again will work wonders I’m sure. I’ve told her to warn the kids just in case I start blubbering at the airport when I pick them up.
Hugging and smiling is one thing. Crying my eyes out because I’m happy is quite another. I’m a man. I don’t do that shit. (Often.)
